I wake up every morning thinking nothing is left.
I’m wrong our daughter is still here but the love of my life is not. He’s been gone for 8 months and still every morning its like a shock again that hes gone.
Had to leave the house, pack up and get rid of stuff there meant a lot, how do you move on from feeling everything is gone.
I wish i knew the answer and I wish I could tell our daughter IT WILL BE OKAY but I can’t say it and mean it.
There is just noting left NOTHING but sadness that is not gone.
Our daughter says mom is there anyway to bring papa back hate saying no baby it’s just you and me and all the memories.
Right now the memories are hard to deal with and she thinks i’m not sad because i try to be strong for her.
It seem like there is nothing left no love no joy and i no longer have no answers…. why is all there is left and that’s pretty much nothing…
Posts Tagged love
Nothing left
Apr 17
power of love
Mar 16
When I was 15 years old I moved to Canada with my family. My father couldn’t find a job so he went back home to Iran to his old job. After my brother and I finished high school my mother went back to Iran to be with my Father. My brother who was very close to my parents also left few months after my mother. He lived there, went to collage and started a new job and had a long distance relationship with his girl friend who lived back in Vancouver. We all knew that one day he will propose to his girl friend. He had told everyone that they were meant for each other and that she was the love of his life.
Two years ago, just before I moved to California, I heard a news that Aida, my brother’s girlfriend had died In her sleep. I was devastated and not knowing what to do, called my parents and informed them first. We knew it would be matter of time before my brother would hear the news from his friends back in Vancouver so we did not tell him. After few short days my brother found out and locked himself in his room for few days mourning lose of his love. My brothers never recovered from his loss. Everywhere he was, everywhere he went he would talk about Aida or think that he saw her and lit a candle for her every night. A year after Aida’s death, my brother came here to visit me for two weeks. Him and my cousin went to a club on a weekend, and the next day he told us that he saw a girl who looked just like her but she was with another guy and he couldn’t talk to her. The night before he was scheduled to fly back home, on a Saturday night he went back to the club with my cousin on their way back home to see if that girl was there.
Well I don’t know if he found her or no because that night my brother and cousin both were killed by a drunk driver on the anniversary of Aida’s death. I like to think that their together now.
Meant 2 Be
Mar 8
This story takes place in Spring Valley, NY in 1999. I’ve been involved with this girl on and off since Junior High School. She’s half black/Puertorican, 5’2, long black hair, with a caramel complexion and her name is Arianny Delahoz. Once we graduated Junior High School we grew further apart leading us to date other people. That’s when I met Lina Orellana from Equator. Lina and I met through a mutual friend and immediately we had this connection that was indestructible. I was Lina’s first in every which way possible making her so called love for me influential. Arianny heard Lina and I was dating and took actions of her own. She began dressing lady like which attracted my attention. After school one day I made a drastic decision that would change my life forever.
I left school with Arianny and from a distance Lina saw us leave together.
Without saying goodbye or telling LIna I was done with our relationship, I began dating Arianny again. Years went by and Arianny gave birth to my beautiful son Shawn Charles Brown. A few years after my son was born, Arianny and I had our differences. We ended our relationship for good, due to the fact she cheated on me. Instantly I assumed that was karma for not ending my relationship with Lina the appropriate way.
Ten years later I’ve always wondered how things would be if I stayed with Lina. Something strange happened one day and I was shocked. I bumped into Lina in Manhattan, NY. We talked, laughed, and shared our feelings about the past. Apologies were thrown in every direction from my end and she forgave me. After my previous relationship that ended in a disaster, I met another female from Israeli. Her name is Samantha Haghnazari and she’s 5’5, long black hair, tan complexion and her body is amazing. Sam was completely different than any other female I’ve ever dated, but seeing Lina again made me feel as I did when we first met back in high school. Her and I began being intimate while I was currently dating Sam. I felt guilty and brushed Lina off just like I did in High school. We ended our little fling and then a few years later Sam and I broke up. Lina and I bumped into each other again but now she was involved with someone. She began being intimate with me while she had a boy friend. Lina wanted me to be with me exclusively, but I couldn’t because I still had feelings for Sam. Sam and I eventually got back together, but Lina and I was still sleeping with each other. At this point I have a girl friend and Lina has a boyfriend. We realized no matter what happened between us in the past we always found each other and ended up sleeping with each other. We ended our relationships and now she and I are together as it should’ve been back in 1999.
Frat Party
Mar 1
After six months of living on my dad’s couch, my mom finally got her shit together and rented an apartment somewhat near where I had gone to grade school. I was 17 at the time and I hadn’t been in school, or doing anything else for that matter, for about two years.
On a whim/out of boredom, I called up a friend from middle school who invited me to a party, for which I would be the ride. I’m not sure if it was technically a frat party but it certainly wasn’t like any party I would ever go to on my own accord. Some jam band played; they sucked. Guys with backwards baseball caps played drinking games against girls with too much make up; they sucked. My friend ditched me to make out with some jock so I sat on a couch by myself for about fifteen grueling minutes before I saw this guy wearing a brown suit with various band bottons on it. I finally got up the nerve to talk to him. There was a bandage on his chin and he told me he had been bit by an iguana. Wasn’t sure if I believed him.
We went for a walk around the block and a black rottweiler ran up to us. She seemed nice enough, though hyper, so despite his warnings, I grabbed her to check her collar and calm her down. She was bleeding, but she was sweet and let us lead her to her home a few houses down. He asked me to marry him.
We’ve been together every day since.
That was four years ago.
The whole thing seemed so surreal- still does. For me, blatantly anti-social, just the fact that I would find myself at a party seemed odd. For him, the “chance” factor is higher. He really had been bit by an iguana earlier that day at that same party. He was actually getting ready to leave and ditch that party for another one but the bite sent him to the hospital. Once his face was glued back together, he figured he might as well go back and tell the pet owner that he didn’t say anything to the hospital and had no plans to press charges or seek relief.
I still haven’t married him, but we have a son together and I will someday when the money is right.
Side-tracked
Feb 26
Everything that happens to anybody happens because of chance. However, one does have to take some responsibility in the way certain introductions to life’s myriad episodes are followed through.
One of my intimate relationships started out thusly: One Saturday back in the early ’80s, and as per my usual weekend routine, I was loitering around in a noted hip record store in Philadelphia. Then I spotted her… a woman who had caught my eye before in fleeting moments as I walked the downtown streets of Philly. Physically, she was my ideal. Now here she was just a few steps away from me. But being your typical introverted mess, I was at a loss about how I would actually do something about this infatuation. I walked out of the store, feeling like a loser. Moping towards my next destination, I suddenly stopped myself. “No, Jeffrey, this time you’re not going to run away from Fate!” I forced myself to run back to the store. She was still there! I introduced myself with some inane small talk about music. She obviously thought I was a creep, but I was persistent. When a shy person finally gets some courage, he or she becomes totally committed to the cause.
It was the beginning of a three-year relationship that turned out to be, for the most part, a pretty unhappy experience.
For the Better
Jan 28
At the age of 11 I had gotten involved in kart racing with my family. In this, I met a girl that was a sister of a fellow racer. She seemed to like me, and I really wanted to ask her out when I worked up the courage. At the age of 13 I had a crash on the track that almost took my life completely. I had lost most of my mouth and was in ICU, and I took months to recover to be able to be normal again. The hardest part was looking in the mirror for the first time and having a somewhat different face. I had become extremely self conscious after plastic surgery, and didn’t want the girl I liked to ever see me. I spoke with her on the phone, and turned her down shamefully months after the accident.
Returning to the same school I had known ended in disaster, when the school found out about the missing pieces in my mouth, I was laughed at by some classmates and couldn’t stand girls to look at me. I left the school for a new one, and in my new school I fell into blind love with a girl that I liked the first time I saw her. I ended up taking her to the homecoming dinner and party. At the party she had left me to be with another guy.
After the end of that school year, I left and went on to do home schooling. At the age of 16 I started working and neglected my studies till I stopped doing them all together. Working full time and now surrounded by people from all different walks of life. I ended up in a life of drugs and alcohol which I had never known. I was happy and living carefree without regard for anyone else but myself. I had constantly tried for girls I met at parties, but always got made fun of and harassed.
I had come to a realization one day, that I was no longer who I wanted to be and quickly became reclusive and stopped hanging out with anybody, and challenged myself to learn computers by working for a company that taught me everything they knew, which after learning all I could, it landed me a job that I currently have through a slight chance of a person I met one day. I became increasingly lonely, and was seeking love online. I ended up flying a girl out I had met online. When she arrived she was not the girl I had seen in the pictures, and ended up with a 1 week nightmare that left me saying I never want a girl friend. Shortly after however, the girl of my dreams found me, and came into my life. Who I had become was exactly who she wanted. We quickly fell in love, and if one event had been different in my life, I would not be where I am today.
Believe………
Jan 20
Migrated to the US at 3 yrs old. Raised with wise guys but kept my Latino roots. Joined the USMC at 17 Travel the world. I love Latin music and it became part of my survival. I have been fortunate to have met and performed with legendary musician. Dealt with drug abuse and betrayal. Honored my mother and love my children but the system took my life away due to my divorce. Now I begin life again and many doors open on my way to a Grammy! I thank God Everyday and Believe!
